We at company love the stuff we make, we are great at it, see our huge numbers that our CEO tells us every year at our “fun” teambuilding event, which actually is an obligatory two day meeting. We charge our customers way to much, but hey, that’s why we can hire little peasants like you ! Our entire management has a six figure paycheck, that’s how freaking good we are doing. We most likely will fire you next dip we have, but at-least you can use our logo on your next CV. Aren’t we great ?
Now that we are full of talking about how great we are, we like to talk about a opportunity for you ! By opportunity we mean working hard, having a hugely skewed work/life balance, low paycheck and getting fired as soon as our HR manager second cousin finally gets his diploma.
We are looking for a M/F, experienced senior deployment, network, server-less, system, dev-ops engineer/administrator, who is acquainted with high-throughput data analyse and big data. (cause we have like a bunch of floppy disks, and really I can’t find that file on my 8GB stick.) Oh, and when we say M/F we really mean M since F can get pregnant and damn that’s annoying not to say expensive. Now that we said all those fancy words, what we really need is someone to magically fix the printer. While doing that project the other dude (we forgot his name) din’t do before he left company not that we will credit you for it, its just pushing some buttons isn’t it ? It’s basically ready to deploy. Are you up for the challenge ?
What we expect of you :
- No 9-to-5 mentality, we expect you to work 24h, 7/7, and longer when our CEO’s mobile does not support the latest candy crush. Oh and expect pager-duty. All for that 38h paycheck!
- Stress resistent and can finish a project with everyday shifting priority’s, an impossible deadline and changing specs all the time. Also, we are going to blame you for pretty much everything, that has a close resemblance to a computer. You did something with IT related education right ? So don’t you know how my unrelated, legacy, made for Windows 95 application stopped working ? Be ready to spend the night, cause I need it like, right now.
- Team player cause we will dump the most boring project we have on you, since the last guy left to start a bakery.
- Wanting to learn, it’s hand-on, don’t expect to leave the room until the printer is fixed.
- Open-minded, we need someone to clean up the kitchen as well.
- Communication, it would be great if someone understood what our outsourced Indian QC where talking about.
What you will get from us :
- Our love, as in “why did it take so long”. Working on cutting edge new technology as in what everyone else is doing right now.
- A place where you can explore your full potential as a pispot. A great international work environment as in our housemaid is definitely not from here. We also offer you to learn a deprecated only used here dev. stack/programming language!
- A competitive salary, and we mean competitive, as in how low can we go.
- Temporary contract, we don’t take the risk of burn outs. You’re the expensive version of toilet paper to us <3
Don’t wait, send us your soon to be unread, trashed CV !
(can be used for free as recruitment template)